A baby?

To start off, our 12 week old puppy, Gunner, that we love so much is going to a new home soon. This was a tough decision, but we felt like it was the best choice for our situation. With everything going on we need to save every penny we can and it wouldn’t be fair to put Gunner outside with little to no attention when he could be in a home with people who give him everything he needs and deserves.

On Sunday September 4, 2016 Charlee and I had the surprise of our lives. His mother had a dream that we had twins and wanted me to take a pregnancy test to ease her mind. Any one close enough to me knows that I gave up on that dream a long time ago. Honestly, I didn’t think I was able to conceive a baby at all. 

The night before I was to take the pregnancy test, I prayed to God to let it come out positive. I promised him I would give up smoking and that Charlee was the best man I could ever ask for. I prayed that if it was in God’s will and in his time then I was ready to be a mommy and Charlee without a doubt would be an amazing daddy to our kid(s).

The next morning, I took the pregnancy test and glanced at the results. Negative as usual. I then took it to our room so that I could show Charlee that we still had no hope of ever having a baby without medical intervention. When I got back to our room, he wasn’t in there and I sighed and looked at the test once more in disappointment. When I took the second look I was shocked by what I saw. I had been so sure this test would come out negative that I didn’t even notice there was an extra line on it meaning it was positive! Right then Charlee came into the room and I wiped the grin off of my face and handed him the test like I would if nothing was going on. I wanted to see the look on his face when he realized he was going to be a daddy for the first time.

Charlee looked down at the test for a min, slowly looked up at me and saw my smiling, then looked back down at the test. He asked me if this was real and I informed him I had no way to fake this and wouldn’t even if I could. He softly asked me, “So, does this mean I’m going to be a daddy?” I really believe this was the happiest moment of my life. Right then and there I loved him and looked at him as more than my future husband. He is now the father to my unborn baby and I know without a doubt he will always do everything possible to be a good father. This baby hit the jackpot with Charlee for a daddy!

I’ve been dizzy, nauseous, vomiting, tired, and have had a very little appetite in the past week. The health department believes I am 13 weeks pregnant, but with an irregular menstrual cycle, I wont know for sure until my first doctors appointment next week. Anything I have to go through for this bundle of joy that God placed in our lives is well worth it to me! This just reinforces my belief that God can do anything. First, he gave me Charlee and now he gave us a baby and family of our own. Everything is in his time and I wouldn’t want things any other way. ❤

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Life Lessons For a Reason

I’ve had thoughts running through my mind all day. I honestly can’t believe how far I’ve come in the past few years. I’ve been through trials I never would have thought would be placed in my life. Although, I wouldn’t wish most of them on my worst enemy, I can’t imagine how I would have gotten to this point without them. 

When I think back to my first marriage I realize I was too young and immature to even know what marriage really is. I think I had an idea what I wanted, but lacking the life lessons and problem solving skills I have gained since then, I had no business saying those vows to anyone at the time. I had no idea how to share my life with someone else at the age of nineteen and only recently at the age of 25 have I realized this. 

My second marriage was a tremendous struggle. With all of the abuse and misguided thoughts and actions that came along with just trying to survive, I made a lot of bad decisons. This particular chapter in my life geared me up to fight for myself, realize I deserve better, and most importantly appreciate the people around me more. I learned to rely on God and recognize the signs he sends to show me where I should be.  

When I was near the end of the second marriage, I prayed to God for signs that I would recognize. I needed signs to show me if I should stay in the relationship or leave it. I had signs shown to me telling me I was right where I needed to be at that time and I found peace through the physical and mental abuse that God was still there working with me and he had a plan. All I had to do was sit and wait. 

Everything I went through was for a reason and lead me right where I am now. I am happier than I’ve ever been and I’m with a guy that treats me better than I’ve ever been treated, he trusts in God, and he works hard to make sure we have everything we need while still doing everything in his power to make sure I know I’m loved. For once I’m with someone that shows me all the love in the world and it’s not just him saying, “I love you.” His actions prove it’s true every single day. I never would have dreamed I would meet someone that would choose listening to me and comforting me when I need him over blowing me off and ignoring how I feel. I want to treat him like Gold. I want to do everything I can to keep him happy and be there for him when he needs me. He deserves every happiness in the world just like he has given me. 

Every little detail of my past lead me to the perfect guy for me. I truly believe God was there the entire way. He made sure I learned how to not be as selfish as I once was. God waited until I was ready to rely on him and stop seeking out who I thought I could be happy with. He let me go through tough trials and learn to appreciate the little things people do and the kindness they show. It was necessary for me to learn these things in order to have the happy life I now have. 

I use to wonder where God was and why he would let me get myself into the horrible situations I put myself in over the past 10 years. I now know that he let me be in those moments because I wasn’t following him I was only blaming him and as stubborn as I am, I had to learn everything the hard way. 

Life is so much better now and I gained a close friend who ultimately lead me to the man I really do want to spend the rest of my life with. The man I believe is worthy of me saying those vows once more in front of God and honoring every word of them. I am one lucky girl. I have had the privilege of knowing God is always by side and learning these life lessons early while some may fight against him and never learn them at all. I wouldn’t change a thing about the past, and I’m looking forward to a brighter future.  

You asked me what I love about you….

So last night you asked me what I love about you…

I love that you took the time to get to know me when we first met. You were patient and didn’t push me into anything I wasn’t ready for including our first date.

I love that even when you have a bad day you still make sure I’m smiling and that I’m okay.

You actually listen to me when I talk to you. From just being silly to telling you about something that’s bothering me, you always listen. You’ve even surprised me and told me things about myself that I didn’t remember telling you. For example, you know I hate Dr. Pepper and I don’t recall giving you that information lol.

You always try and help everyone around you even when you actually need something yourself. You’re the most caring person I know.

I love that we can disagree about something and actually talk it out instead of arguing. Neither one of us wants the other one to be upset and we can solve issues without yelling or being mean.

You put your family first and you work hard to make sure they are all okay. It bothers you when something isn’t going right for them and you love them with all your heart.

You’re the best friend that anyone could ever ask for. Although you don’t have much free time you make time for your friends and I know you’re tired after working all week but you don’t let it show. You go out and have fun with me and your friends.

I love your smile. I can be having the worst day ever and you walk in, smile, give me one your bear hugs I love so much, and I feel like everything’s okay again. You’re amazing.

The first thing you do when you get home is hug me and tell me you missed me and love me. You always give me a kiss and a hug and spend time telling me about your day. You don’t just say you love me, you make show it and make sure I know you were thinking about me. I think I love that about you more than anything.

I love to hear you sing, watch you play your guitars, and I find it really sweet when you ask me to dance with you even though I can’t dance. You have so much energy and it makes you so fun to be around.

I honestly love everything about you and I don’t know what I would do without you. You’re perfect in my eyes and I would never want to change a thing about you. 

Moving in with Charlee

Charlee and I officially moved in together last Wednesday, May 18th. I’m looking forward to new adventures and plenty of laughter and happiness we will share together.

We both know all too well that moving in with someone is a big step and it’s not always going to be easy. We will learn each others habbits, good and bad, two people  won’t always agree on everything, and we will be sharing pretty much everything in our lives together.

Charlee is already making me feel like the luckiest woman in the world, as usual. For example, I cleaned up the room while he was at work yesterday and after a long day the first thing he said to me was, “Wow, the room looks and smells great! You’re amazing! I love coming home to you everyday! I love you so much.” He then hugged me and gave me a kiss. After that we sat down and talked about our day and went grocery shopping together. While at the store, he let me know he had the hottest date in the grocery store. I couldn’t ask for a more caring person to share my life with.

Yes, this may all sound mushy and you’re right, it is. He knows how to make me smile and he puts in the effort to make sure I do. Nothing wrong with that. I appreciate Charlee and he appreciates me. We make sure we treat each other with respect and I’m happier than I’ve ever been, looking forward to the future and whatever comes next 🙂

Chaos in a Relationship

What causes chaos in a relationship? No communication, lack of effort, staying out when you know you should be home, putting others (people or things) before your partner, cheating/flirting with others, making things more stressful than they have to be, not choosing your battles wisely, putting your partner down, not getting along with each others friends, and the dreaded ex not staying out of the picture entirely. Yes, there are more and I could keep going, but I’m sure you get the point. 

I’m going to focus on the last statement for now and possibly work my way up in future posts. 

Is there any logical reason an ex should stay in your life once you’re in a new relationship? I can’t think of one reason other than having kids involved. If there are no children between the two of you then why keep them around? Why even leave the door open for them to contact you? I’ve been guilty of this and honestly I believe it does nothing, but invite chaos into the new relationship. Are you wanting to rub your new found happiness in their face? Maybe, but why? If you are truly happy the best thing you can do is move on and stay happy, not gloat to them and risk causing trouble with your current partner. Do you feel like you need to keep up with how they are doing? Why do you care? You’re not in their life anymore. You have your own life to live and move forward. You can’t move forward by focusing on the past. 

Webster’s Dictionary definition of chaos; complete confusion and disorder : a state in which behavior and events are not controlled by anything

WHY WOULD YOU INVITE CHAOS INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP????

So, you don’t block an ex and they can chat, call, text, look at your social media etc… Don’t you think this may leave an inkling of doubt in your partners mind? Of course you both should have trust in each other, but for a split second they are going to wonder, “Why?” Maybe you are saying all positive things to your ex about your current relationship. Did you ever stop and think why this is any of their business or why it matters so much to you to tell them? Why do you feel the need to leave that door open just in case they ever want to talk? Shut the door! You can avoid any future arguments about what you may or may not have said to them. You can avoid any drama that is bound to eventually spawn from you sending or receiving pictures to or from them. There will be no doubt in your partners mind at all and you are giving them piece. Life and relationships are tough enough without you adding to them.

Your ex and you are obviously not together for a reason. Stop holding on to them. Let them go and live your life. They were a chapter in your life and most likely you learned some lessons along the way. That chapter is closed now, and if you insist on reading it over and over again, you will never fully enjoy the rest of what life has to offer. Take the lessons with you and leave the ex behind.

ex

It’s okay to miss someone

Lately, Charlee and I haven’t had quite as much time together as we use to. He’s working more and I’m trying to get out of the house more so that I don’t go crazy. This involves me making plans that may shave off even more of our time together. At first I thought it would be fine and not phase me too much. We can still talk on the phone some and see each other at least two days a week. This is all well and good, but I have started missing him…a lot. 

Having less time together has given me more time to myself to think and evaluate how I’m feeling about life at the moment. I’ve recently come to the the realization of just how lucky I am to have Charlee, no matter how much or how little time we have together. 

I almost feel selfish for missing him as much as I do. Military spouses have to go months or years without seeing their loved ones. Some have lost people they care about due to them passing away. Some couples are able to spend every free minute together, and yet all they do is fight. Some are breaking up or going through a divorce, while others are separated and hoping they can work things out. So, even when Charlee is physically beside me I know we aren’t fighting, he’s still in good health and I will see him soon, God willing. I don’t even have to wait a whole week to be near him again. 

Our relationship is going good and for that I am thankful. There’s no reason that missing him when he’s not around should be a negative feeling. Some couples have gotten to the point where they can’t stand the sight of each other. I would rather him be away and look forward to seeing him again rather than knowing we are going to argue as soon as he walks in the door. 

This really does give me a lot of hope for us in the future. Instead of moping around waiting until I can see him again, I just need to keep myself busy and remind myself that missing him is a good thing. I look forward to one day being able to have a job again myself. I don’t know what our schedules will be like in the future, but hopefully we will eventually be married and come home to each other every night. Until that day comes it is okay to miss each other. We have plenty of blessings in our lives and there’s no need to rush past the present to get to the future. Everything will be okay and I am now appreciating things exactly the way they are. 

 

Keep Pushing Through

It’s easy to feel abandoned when depression or anxiety is near. 

I know all too well about this irrational fear.

Friends and family may be close by my side.

I have every reason in the world to feel happy and strive. 

Instead I feel anger, distress, pain, or upset. 

I feel like I’m drowning and there’s no way to get help.

I don’t have a reason for the way I feel.

My mood swings have become far too surreal. 

I know this feeling won’t last forever. 

Right now it seems this will go away, never.

The busier I stay the faster I pull through. 

I just want to stay home and keep my head above water.

There’s no motivation, there’s no one around. 

Why can’t I just go out when I’m not feeling down?

I know this won’t help, being alone.

I don’t have much to say when we talk on the phone. 

I will pull through, it will take time, and soon I will be back in my right mind. 

I will feel better, on top of the world.

Then with no warning, I will be back at war. 

This is a cycle, it’s one I hate, but the good times are well worth the wait!

There’s no giving up, there’s nothing I can do.

I just have to push forward and keep pushing through.