A baby?

To start off, our 12 week old puppy, Gunner, that we love so much is going to a new home soon. This was a tough decision, but we felt like it was the best choice for our situation. With everything going on we need to save every penny we can and it wouldn’t be fair to put Gunner outside with little to no attention when he could be in a home with people who give him everything he needs and deserves.

On Sunday September 4, 2016 Charlee and I had the surprise of our lives. His mother had a dream that we had twins and wanted me to take a pregnancy test to ease her mind. Any one close enough to me knows that I gave up on that dream a long time ago. Honestly, I didn’t think I was able to conceive a baby at all. 

The night before I was to take the pregnancy test, I prayed to God to let it come out positive. I promised him I would give up smoking and that Charlee was the best man I could ever ask for. I prayed that if it was in God’s will and in his time then I was ready to be a mommy and Charlee without a doubt would be an amazing daddy to our kid(s).

The next morning, I took the pregnancy test and glanced at the results. Negative as usual. I then took it to our room so that I could show Charlee that we still had no hope of ever having a baby without medical intervention. When I got back to our room, he wasn’t in there and I sighed and looked at the test once more in disappointment. When I took the second look I was shocked by what I saw. I had been so sure this test would come out negative that I didn’t even notice there was an extra line on it meaning it was positive! Right then Charlee came into the room and I wiped the grin off of my face and handed him the test like I would if nothing was going on. I wanted to see the look on his face when he realized he was going to be a daddy for the first time.

Charlee looked down at the test for a min, slowly looked up at me and saw my smiling, then looked back down at the test. He asked me if this was real and I informed him I had no way to fake this and wouldn’t even if I could. He softly asked me, “So, does this mean I’m going to be a daddy?” I really believe this was the happiest moment of my life. Right then and there I loved him and looked at him as more than my future husband. He is now the father to my unborn baby and I know without a doubt he will always do everything possible to be a good father. This baby hit the jackpot with Charlee for a daddy!

I’ve been dizzy, nauseous, vomiting, tired, and have had a very little appetite in the past week. The health department believes I am 13 weeks pregnant, but with an irregular menstrual cycle, I wont know for sure until my first doctors appointment next week. Anything I have to go through for this bundle of joy that God placed in our lives is well worth it to me! This just reinforces my belief that God can do anything. First, he gave me Charlee and now he gave us a baby and family of our own. Everything is in his time and I wouldn’t want things any other way. ❤

What’s new?

Apparently my Charlee Bear is a cook. Who would have thought? In the past week he has made Chinese chicken with crab salad on the side twice, chicken and shrimp tacos, and for my birthday next month he’s wanting to grill steaks and make a meal for us to enjoy together. His food is amazing! 

Gunner will be 11 weeks old tomorrow and growing so fast! He’s doing much better at riding in the truck with us and is more behaved when we take him places than he is at home. We also learned just how much he loves popcorn and he’s not a happy camper when we run out. Lol. We surprisingly found out that our Gunner loves playing in the water outside…yet hates baths. Go figure.

I’m learning to have people around me more often and it’s not that easy. I’ve always kept one or two close friends at a time and pretty much kept to myself for the most part. I would keep family at a distance and it was never anything personal, I just value my time alone and have always been that way. Since I’ve been with Charlee, I’ve been merged into his friends and family and I love them all. It’s just taking some getting use to having someone around almost all the time. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I still feel like I need my alone time once in a while. (Probably more often than you would think.) I can tell Charlee to go hang out with his friends if that’s what he feels like doing and honestly be fine with it. (Never been that secure in a relationship before this one.) I love hanging out with his friends and family. He has managed to surround himself with great people and I couldn’t ask for a sweeter extended family. I just feel like I’ve got a few things to work on within myself to keep from closing myself off for longer periods of time than I should. At this point I’m really missing my best friend who is overseas. I wish she could be here more. I love our long talks on the phone, but we have been close since we were 3 years old and I believe it would do me a lot of good to see her again. I know life happens and we will see each other again though. Just waiting for that day. Charlee is always here for me and goes above and beyond to keep a smile on my face. I’m looking forward to these two important people in my life to meet each other. That will be an incredible day 🙂

The future is looking bright for once in my life and I appreciate everyone in it. I can really see a lot of growth within myself in the past year and I’m so glad I have my friends and family around me to share these milestones with.

Chaos in a Relationship

What causes chaos in a relationship? No communication, lack of effort, staying out when you know you should be home, putting others (people or things) before your partner, cheating/flirting with others, making things more stressful than they have to be, not choosing your battles wisely, putting your partner down, not getting along with each others friends, and the dreaded ex not staying out of the picture entirely. Yes, there are more and I could keep going, but I’m sure you get the point. 

I’m going to focus on the last statement for now and possibly work my way up in future posts. 

Is there any logical reason an ex should stay in your life once you’re in a new relationship? I can’t think of one reason other than having kids involved. If there are no children between the two of you then why keep them around? Why even leave the door open for them to contact you? I’ve been guilty of this and honestly I believe it does nothing, but invite chaos into the new relationship. Are you wanting to rub your new found happiness in their face? Maybe, but why? If you are truly happy the best thing you can do is move on and stay happy, not gloat to them and risk causing trouble with your current partner. Do you feel like you need to keep up with how they are doing? Why do you care? You’re not in their life anymore. You have your own life to live and move forward. You can’t move forward by focusing on the past. 

Webster’s Dictionary definition of chaos; complete confusion and disorder : a state in which behavior and events are not controlled by anything

WHY WOULD YOU INVITE CHAOS INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP????

So, you don’t block an ex and they can chat, call, text, look at your social media etc… Don’t you think this may leave an inkling of doubt in your partners mind? Of course you both should have trust in each other, but for a split second they are going to wonder, “Why?” Maybe you are saying all positive things to your ex about your current relationship. Did you ever stop and think why this is any of their business or why it matters so much to you to tell them? Why do you feel the need to leave that door open just in case they ever want to talk? Shut the door! You can avoid any future arguments about what you may or may not have said to them. You can avoid any drama that is bound to eventually spawn from you sending or receiving pictures to or from them. There will be no doubt in your partners mind at all and you are giving them piece. Life and relationships are tough enough without you adding to them.

Your ex and you are obviously not together for a reason. Stop holding on to them. Let them go and live your life. They were a chapter in your life and most likely you learned some lessons along the way. That chapter is closed now, and if you insist on reading it over and over again, you will never fully enjoy the rest of what life has to offer. Take the lessons with you and leave the ex behind.

ex

It’s okay to miss someone

Lately, Charlee and I haven’t had quite as much time together as we use to. He’s working more and I’m trying to get out of the house more so that I don’t go crazy. This involves me making plans that may shave off even more of our time together. At first I thought it would be fine and not phase me too much. We can still talk on the phone some and see each other at least two days a week. This is all well and good, but I have started missing him…a lot. 

Having less time together has given me more time to myself to think and evaluate how I’m feeling about life at the moment. I’ve recently come to the the realization of just how lucky I am to have Charlee, no matter how much or how little time we have together. 

I almost feel selfish for missing him as much as I do. Military spouses have to go months or years without seeing their loved ones. Some have lost people they care about due to them passing away. Some couples are able to spend every free minute together, and yet all they do is fight. Some are breaking up or going through a divorce, while others are separated and hoping they can work things out. So, even when Charlee is physically beside me I know we aren’t fighting, he’s still in good health and I will see him soon, God willing. I don’t even have to wait a whole week to be near him again. 

Our relationship is going good and for that I am thankful. There’s no reason that missing him when he’s not around should be a negative feeling. Some couples have gotten to the point where they can’t stand the sight of each other. I would rather him be away and look forward to seeing him again rather than knowing we are going to argue as soon as he walks in the door. 

This really does give me a lot of hope for us in the future. Instead of moping around waiting until I can see him again, I just need to keep myself busy and remind myself that missing him is a good thing. I look forward to one day being able to have a job again myself. I don’t know what our schedules will be like in the future, but hopefully we will eventually be married and come home to each other every night. Until that day comes it is okay to miss each other. We have plenty of blessings in our lives and there’s no need to rush past the present to get to the future. Everything will be okay and I am now appreciating things exactly the way they are. 

 

Keep Pushing Through

It’s easy to feel abandoned when depression or anxiety is near. 

I know all too well about this irrational fear.

Friends and family may be close by my side.

I have every reason in the world to feel happy and strive. 

Instead I feel anger, distress, pain, or upset. 

I feel like I’m drowning and there’s no way to get help.

I don’t have a reason for the way I feel.

My mood swings have become far too surreal. 

I know this feeling won’t last forever. 

Right now it seems this will go away, never.

The busier I stay the faster I pull through. 

I just want to stay home and keep my head above water.

There’s no motivation, there’s no one around. 

Why can’t I just go out when I’m not feeling down?

I know this won’t help, being alone.

I don’t have much to say when we talk on the phone. 

I will pull through, it will take time, and soon I will be back in my right mind. 

I will feel better, on top of the world.

Then with no warning, I will be back at war. 

This is a cycle, it’s one I hate, but the good times are well worth the wait!

There’s no giving up, there’s nothing I can do.

I just have to push forward and keep pushing through.