It’s okay to miss someone

Lately, Charlee and I haven’t had quite as much time together as we use to. He’s working more and I’m trying to get out of the house more so that I don’t go crazy. This involves me making plans that may shave off even more of our time together. At first I thought it would be fine and not phase me too much. We can still talk on the phone some and see each other at least two days a week. This is all well and good, but I have started missing him…a lot. 

Having less time together has given me more time to myself to think and evaluate how I’m feeling about life at the moment. I’ve recently come to the the realization of just how lucky I am to have Charlee, no matter how much or how little time we have together. 

I almost feel selfish for missing him as much as I do. Military spouses have to go months or years without seeing their loved ones. Some have lost people they care about due to them passing away. Some couples are able to spend every free minute together, and yet all they do is fight. Some are breaking up or going through a divorce, while others are separated and hoping they can work things out. So, even when Charlee is physically beside me I know we aren’t fighting, he’s still in good health and I will see him soon, God willing. I don’t even have to wait a whole week to be near him again. 

Our relationship is going good and for that I am thankful. There’s no reason that missing him when he’s not around should be a negative feeling. Some couples have gotten to the point where they can’t stand the sight of each other. I would rather him be away and look forward to seeing him again rather than knowing we are going to argue as soon as he walks in the door. 

This really does give me a lot of hope for us in the future. Instead of moping around waiting until I can see him again, I just need to keep myself busy and remind myself that missing him is a good thing. I look forward to one day being able to have a job again myself. I don’t know what our schedules will be like in the future, but hopefully we will eventually be married and come home to each other every night. Until that day comes it is okay to miss each other. We have plenty of blessings in our lives and there’s no need to rush past the present to get to the future. Everything will be okay and I am now appreciating things exactly the way they are. 

 

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Keep Pushing Through

It’s easy to feel abandoned when depression or anxiety is near. 

I know all too well about this irrational fear.

Friends and family may be close by my side.

I have every reason in the world to feel happy and strive. 

Instead I feel anger, distress, pain, or upset. 

I feel like I’m drowning and there’s no way to get help.

I don’t have a reason for the way I feel.

My mood swings have become far too surreal. 

I know this feeling won’t last forever. 

Right now it seems this will go away, never.

The busier I stay the faster I pull through. 

I just want to stay home and keep my head above water.

There’s no motivation, there’s no one around. 

Why can’t I just go out when I’m not feeling down?

I know this won’t help, being alone.

I don’t have much to say when we talk on the phone. 

I will pull through, it will take time, and soon I will be back in my right mind. 

I will feel better, on top of the world.

Then with no warning, I will be back at war. 

This is a cycle, it’s one I hate, but the good times are well worth the wait!

There’s no giving up, there’s nothing I can do.

I just have to push forward and keep pushing through. 

 

 

Good things really do come to those who wait!

I can remember growing up and wondering what my life would be like when I finally got to be an adult. What would my house look like? What college would I go to? What career would I choose? How many kids would I have? What would I be interested in? Who would I marry and live happily ever after with? I never thought by the age of 25 I would be divorced twice, living with my parents, and happier than I’ve ever been despite the set backs and bad decisions I’ve made. 

I rushed my high school sweet heart into marriage and no surprise, we were too young to handle college, marriage, arguments, big decisions, and home life together. My second marriage was a guy I loved partying and hanging out with. He was mentally and physically abusive. I ignored the red flags surrounding him and again, no surprise, that marriage didn’t end well either.

My first husband passed away a few months ago, a week after he married the sweetest woman I’ve ever talked to. The last advice he gave me before he passed away was to leave my abusive relationship and trust in God to bring me someone that would love me like I deserved to be loved. He looked me in the eyes and made sure I understood him. He repeated, “WAIT FOR SOMEONE GOD BRINGS TO YOU! I KNOW YOU, AND I’M TELLING YOU NOT TO LOOK ON YOUR OWN. I was not looking when I found the woman I’m about to marry and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I want that for you to. It’s the best feeling in the world and I want you to have the same happiness I have found.”

This really got me thinking. I started praying more and got closer to God. I asked God to show me clear signs that I would recognize so I would know what he wanted me to do and he answered my prayers. I kept getting signs that I was exactly where I was suppose to be at the time. I accepted that I would have to stick out the painful relationship longer than I wanted to and I would trust God to help me change the situation I was in or lead me out of it and on to another path. 

About a week later God turned my world upside down. Things started falling into place and I was lead away from the abuse. I kept praying and reading my bible daily. One night I said a special prayer giving all of my problems to God and asking him again to keep leading me to where I needed to be. If I was suppose to stay single for years to get my life together then that’s what I was going to do. I honestly thought this is what he would want me to do. I would have to prove that I was serious and I would follow him. 

Apparently he had other plans in store for me. The next night I met Charlee and my first blog post describes how that night went. Ever since I met Charlee I have been on a natural high. Like I said, when I was younger I dreamed of my future including what my wedding would be like. With the first two marriages I had no want for a wedding. Saying vows in a court house sounded perfect to me. I didn’t realize until recently that I had settled twice and a big wedding wasn’t interesting to me because when I walk down the isle I want to be walking towards the man that I know I will spend the rest of my life with. I want to look at him and smile because he honestly makes me happy, motivates me, and I know he feels the same about me. A wedding to me means I know I’m with the right person and until now I have been kidding myself saying I was happy without one. I even went as far as to decline to be in my best friend’s wedding because 1. I felt like I was too heavy to look good in a dress. (Not true) and 2. I had grudge against weddings because I never felt like I would have one.

Charlee has managed to completely change my point of view on all of this.  I wasn’t looking for anyone when I met him. I was scared to death to get close to another guy and have another failed relationship. I would even get nauseous at the thought of getting married again. Charlee treats me better than any guy I’ve ever met. He is AMAZING! I not only have a boyfriend now, I have a best friend, someone I can trust (which I’ve never had with someone I was with), and I even started dreaming of a wedding, future, and a family again. He’s the guy I want to walk down the isle to. I know I would smile and I know I would not be worried about the future. I would be looking forward to it. I am already looking forward to the future with Charlee.  

Yes, I could tell someone they should wait for the “right guy” to come along and they should be patient, but that’s not what I would say. I would tell them to trust in God and let him lead you to where you need to be. It will happen in his time, not yours. I expected to wait much longer, but he didn’t make me. If I hadn’t of went through the first two marriages and all the hard times, I wouldn’t have been on the direct path to meeting Charlee. Everything I went through lead me right to him. Maybe God could have helped me end up with my perfect guy by leading me down an easier road, but I was stubborn and I wasn’t listening to him. I learned a lot of valuable lessons going down the path I traveled and I down regret it for a minute. It’s going to take a while to fix all of the mistakes I made in the past, but thanks to Charlee, I’m motivated to do better and fix them so that we can have a better future together. I’m happier than I’ve ever been and I thank God for that 🙂

 

 

Learn to Laugh

  • I’ve always been the type of person that gets easily embarrassed. On the other hand, I believe I have slowly grown out of this as I’ve grown older. I now seem to be less embarrassed about things and appreciate the humor in a situation more. For example, I had a teacher in elementary school who would throw shoes and markers at students and make jokes to make us laugh when we got an answer wrong in class. I was terrible at math and this teacher would always call me out of it. She would make jokes and toss things at the students to be funny. This may sound out of line for a teacher, but my classmates generally laughed and found humor in this which is what she was trying to do. She was trying to make learning fun. I never found humor in this. I was getting bad grades in her class because I did not understand the subject. I did not want her drawing attention to my flaws in front of the entire class and I did not find this funny at all. Now that I am older I look back and realize if this was going on today, I would laugh it off with the other students, get some tutoring help to improve my math skills, and move on to the next class. To be fair the teacher would always tell us to let her know if we didn’t feel comfortable in any way in her class. I wanted to fit in and I did not want to let anyone know how embarrassed I was. I am now age twenty-five and humor along with laughter are my two favorite traits about myself and anyone else I associate with. 

So, you now know that I have been known to sweat the small things in the past, but let me give you an example of how things have changed. 

Last week I wanted to purchase some new eye liner. Charlee offered to go with me and help me find the brand I was looking for. We went into Walgreens and Charlee decided he was going to purchase a bright red clown nose. Of course I looked at him like he was crazy and of course he smiled at me  and made his purchase anyway. He then proceeds to put the nose on and I immediately tried to walk away. He grabbed my arm, pulled me to him, and asked me where I was going. I tried to back away from him and he decided to tell me he loves me very loudly while hugging me. By this time everyone around us was looking at us and the more I moved around trying to get away (while laughing) the louder he got to draw more attention to us. After this Charlee comes us with the idea to lead me to the checkout counter and get the cashier to take a picture of the two of us while he is still wearing the clown nose. At the time I thought this was all he had planned for this nose. Just a quick laugh and we would be done. WRONG. 

We get into his truck to leave the store and I notice Charlee is still wearing this nose. We pull up to a red light and he is just hoping someone pulls up next to us so he can show off his new toy. Some poor unsuspecting older lady stops next to us and I watched as Charlee waved like a crazy person and smiled at her until she looked over and saw him. The lady simply waved back at him and laughed along with him. Thank God the light turned green around this time. 

Grocery shopping was next on his list of things to do and I thought there is no way he will wear his red nose into a bigger store. WRONG AGAIN. We pulled into the parking lot of the store and he parked what seemed a mile away from the entry door just so he could park next to someone getting into their vehicle to show off his nose. I informed him that he could go get his groceries and I would wait for him in the truck. He stepped out of the truck and told the guy next to us that he wanted to go shopping with his girlfriend, but she refused to go into the store with him. This guy took one look at Charlee and began to laugh. His wife walked up and let me know not to worry about it, her husband would do something like that to her also and she feels my pain. HAHA. That made me laugh more than Charlee parading around in his ridiculous clown nose. 

We enter the grocery store and Charlee started speaking to everyone around (nose intact) and he also found humor in letting every stranger in sight know that I was his girlfriend. We continued walking around the store collecting his groceries for week. He even stopped to ask an employee where he could find the chips he was looking for and the poor guy could barley speak to him in the middle of laughing so hard. At one point I took Charlee’s nose away from him. I thought maybe that would solve the issue. Nope, he just stopped the first person he saw and asked them to please speak to me about why I was treating him so badly when all he wanted was his toy nose. I laughed and had to give it back to him. We continued shopping some more and one lady informed him that she had just purchased one of those clown noses for her four year old child. At this point I had been laughing so hard all afternoon to the point of my face hurting. I took his nose away from him once more and put it on myself. If you can’t beat him, join him right? He turned around and saw that I had the bright red nose on, hugged me, and said, “That’s my girl. I love you.” This warmed my heart. 

I gave Charlee his nose back and he wore it up to the checkout counter in the grocery store. We were placing his groceries on the counter and I noticed he was waving at a child behind me. I thought this was sweet of him until I heard someone call my name from behind me. Great, I was out of town, my boyfriend is wearing a clown nose, and somehow he had attracted the attention of someone I went to high school with in my home town. I spoke to her for a minute and then turned back around to continue in the line. We get to the cashier and he tries to make her laugh along with everyone else around us. She takes one look at him, then looks at me. She then told him, “She’s going to leave you.” I thought this was hilarious. Charlee kept making jokes and she spoke to him again. “No seriously, she’s going to leave you.” Well all started laughing except for Charlee who was giving me his sweet puppy dog eyes and asking me not to leave him. Before I could even respond to him he put his now back on, smiled, and said, “I know you’re not going to leave me.”

I love Charlee so much. He is about the only one in the world I would have let do anything near this embarrassing to me. It was honestly more humorous than it was embarrassing anyway. I wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world. He can make me smile in any situation and he’s always there for me no matter what is going on. He loves making  people laugh and I love him for that and so much more.

WHAT I LEARNED

I have changed so much over the years. I’m learning to take the time to see my improvements and appreciate how far I have progressed. I would never want to go back to not being able to laugh or enjoy the moments when people are trying to lighten up a situation. Who new grocery shopping could be so fun? If I was the way I was even going through high school I would have never been able to enjoy the day I had with Charlee. Learning to laugh and enjoy myself more around others has got to be the best improvement I’ve ever made 🙂

When Brandi met Charlee

I met a guy on December 12, 2015 who happens to have an amazing sense of humor. His name is Charlee and he is the sweetest and most caring person I’ve ever met in my life. We met at a karaoke event that takes place every Saturday night. It was his birthday and he was tired from working all day. His friends convinced him to go out and have fun although he did not feel up to it. On the other hand I had a friend trying to convince me to go out for a good time while I was fighting her the entire time because I was down about a bad relationship I was leaving. I preferred to stay home and mope around and she wasn’t having that at all. 

My friend and I arrived at the karaoke establishment and the place was filled with couples much older than I am. I assumed I would watch them sing for a while and look forward to going home to sleep. In other words I had very low expectations for any “fun” to happen. Soon after we arrived a group of people that looked to be around my age walked through the door and I immediately had my eye on the cutest one. There were two girls in this group and three guys. My new objective was to point out this good looking man candy and get my friend to help me figure out which girl was with which guy. All while hoping the one I was interested in was the single one. 

I kept my eye on this particular guy for a while thinking he wouldn’t ever notice me admiring him. I began talking with my friend and the next thing I know I hear an amazing male voice singing through the speakers of the karaoke machine. We both turned and were extremely surprised to see that it was the guy I had pointed out earlier. This made him that much more attractive and I realized there was no way he would be single or be interested in me. Soon after he sang there was an announcement that is happened to be this guys birthday and everyone began to sing happy birthday to him. 

When the singing stopped apparently my friend decided I wasn’t going to talk to this guy. which made it her job to go and speak with him. She later told me she went over to talk with him knowing I would follow behind her considering I didn’t know anyone else there. She started a conversation with him and learned that his name was Charlee. He showed her the family based tattoos he had and told her a little about himself. He was a farmer and he seemed very sweet. The music was loud so my friend leaned in to talk to him while he was backed against a counter top. She had her face right beside his and he quickly informed her that he was only 22 years old and wasn’t interested in her. (She happens to be about 25 years older than myself) I could not help but laugh. While she was talking to him trying to break the ice for me, he got the impression she was hitting on him for herself. She quickly informed him that she has kids his age and she was not interested in him that way. She continued talking close to him and I could tell how uncomfortable he was at this point. He stayed polite and continued to talk with her and of course the whole time I am finding this all hilarious. 

When these two had finished their conversation he walked passed me and I said the first thing that came to my mind, “Happy Birthday.” Charlee replied with, “Thank You.” My heart began racing and I walked outside to sit on a bench to smoke. Soon after this Charlee also walked outside and asked me if he could sit next to me. My heart continued racing, but lucky for me Charlee began telling me about himself and I told him about myself once I got a little more comfortable. We talked for a while and he gave me his number. My friend later decided it was time to leave for the night and I realized I never wanted to be there and yet at this point I never wanted the night to end. Charlee and I stood up and some how I managed to find the courage to hug him. We said goodnight and I talked about him all the way home. I texted him around 1:00am when I returned to my friend’s home and did not receive a reply. I figured I either wouldn’t hear from him again or he would text back another day. I honestly wasn’t expecting this to go anywhere. The next morning I had a text as soon as I woke up and it was to my surprise, from Charlee! We texted all day long that day and most of the night. 

Well, here it is closing in on four months that we have been together now. We have already created so many memories together and I’m sure I will be sharing a number of them on here at later dates. I’ve never been happier and not a day goes by that Charlee doesn’t make me smile. 

WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS

When you pray and trust in God (which Charlee and I were doing months leading up to this day) he may just surprise you. Charlee and I both had to be convinced to go out for karaoke that night and neither of us expected anything good to happen. God took control and brought two people together that had lost faith in finding anyone worthy of the love and attention we desired. God let us meet at the perfect time in both of our lives. It was in his timing not ours. Let God lead you to where he knows you should be instead of taking control of things yourself and I’m sure you will realize he can do so much more than you will ever be able to accomplish on your own.